There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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