You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
