I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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