I faked an abortion last night.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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