I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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