Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
