I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
