Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
