You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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