I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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