when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
