if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
