So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
