i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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