wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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