Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
