I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
