I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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