i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
oh god was she eating orange peels again
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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