i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
