she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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