just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
