I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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