my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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