Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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