dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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