Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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