I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
