Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
