Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
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You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
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I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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