there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
