she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
