Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
