My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
