Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
