I need help removing her.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
