my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
