All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
