Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
