Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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