I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
