i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Randomize
