He felt like a one man threesome
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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