so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
