Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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