can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
