how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
