Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
