WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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