I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Randomize
