It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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