I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
