Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
