The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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