i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
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Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
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I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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