you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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