Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
